Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
