My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
