Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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