tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
