Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
