Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
