Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
