when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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