I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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