if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
