bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
