I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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