Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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