Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
