He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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