my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
