Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
