dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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