Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
