Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
