where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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