My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Sorry about my life...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
