I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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