i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
