I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
