I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
3 2 1 whiskey
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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