So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
