I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
