At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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