i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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