plz talk dirty to me
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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