So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You're completely useless in the revolution.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
