Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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