We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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