I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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