my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
