I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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