You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
