Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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