Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
