I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
