found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Sext me about skeletons
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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