I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
