thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
