the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Pants are for mortals
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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