I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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