I wish I could teleport
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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