That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
