Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
