im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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