My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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